Axe murderer, aisle 8

I’ve had this obsession with Lowe’s ever since we bought our first home.

Particularly with what my fellow customers looked like.

We all know about the People of Walmart. That you can find a menagerie of bizarre and obscene at your local box retailer. People walking around with rats on their shoulders. People wearing only a bathing suit while covered in coconut chips.

Nowhere near enough attention is paid to the People of Lowe’s.

It’s possible this is because it’s possibly dangerous to pay attention to them.

They might be serial killers in the process of dissolving their latest victim.


Tell me you have never noticed someone walking through Lowe’s covered in blood, sweat and mud. You assume that blood is theirs. That they cut a finger while using a razor blade and that the mud is from their yard.

It’s possible they worked up that sweat while digging a grave just beyond the nearest interstate.

I remember one of the first times I noticed this type of situation.

I was at the Lowe’s in York. We were painting my newborn’s room. So I was of course covered in green paint. But I’d also cut myself that day. You know how you can get a paper cut? Well, I’d done that with card board. It bleed like a stuck pig. No one said anything. I wasn’t even self conscious of it until I was in the checkout line.

Then, as I left, I noticed a man walking into the store. His face was caked in mud. And he had a lot of blood on him. We’re talking the guy looked like he’d performed emergency surgery on more than one person in a combat zone. In his left hand, he carried an axe with a broken handle.

And no one batted an eye.

This guy walked straight out of a slasher film and into the parking lot. He walked past about six people, even nodding at a Lowe’s worker who was talking to a customer.

A man, covered in blood, carried a broken axe into the store and it was treated as an every day occurrence.

I have to go to Lowe’s tomorrow for a few small items. I wonder what I’ll see.

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